Page 37 • NOBODY LIKES ONIONS

NLO 1403: Spa Sabotage

November 6, 2021

Patrick is back from the road, has stories about it, and has some new steam to vent about his recent white people problem. Patrick recounts his drive from Oklahoma back to Las Vegas, powered by a combination of sheer will and prescription medication. Patrick has been waiting for the day his glorious swim spa would arrive for over 9 months now. After several delays from the factory, the sales people, the electrical permitting, and the HOA, it’s finally arrived. But nothing goes smoothly when you’re dealing with contractors, and Patrick’s march towards swimming freedom has been no different. It’s a tale of miscommunication, mistrust, dead moms and dead cats, incompetence and ultimately theft. You won’t want to miss this midnight hang. Call your mom. Tell her my mom said it was ok. …

NLO 1402: Checking Chad

October 22, 2021

Patrick is on the road, and that means less frequent podcasts, slower uploads, and disgruntled listeners everywhere. It’s ok, kids. You’ll be fine. More shows are on the way. On this episode, Patrick sits down with comedian Chad Zumock to talk about their week working in Tulsa, Oklahoma, as well as various topics in the world, from the ongoing nightmare of the pandemic to Brian Laundrie and his insane caper to escape the authorities. Chad is also in the middle of a feud with his fellow podcast host an friend Kevin Brennan revolving around Chad’s friendship with comedian Dave Landau. Kevin doesn’t like Dave and he apparently thinks that Chad shouldn’t be friends with him either. …

Aftershow 1401: Trouble in Thai-land!

October 10, 2021

Patrick is headed to Oklahoma, Kansas and Arkansas, but before he goes, it feels like we should at least cover the latest insanity rising up out of the sweltering sewer that is Las Vegas comedy. Let's go over the recent events perpetrated by everyone's favorite dramatic dildo, Thai Rivera, and the horniest promoter this side of St. Louis, Trouble aka Artemis Rios! These two have been at each other's throats (and not in the gay way) for a year it seems. One is a desperate comedian struggling to validate his career in the public eye while still working hotel pool gigs, and the other is trying to convince a new wave of tourist pussy every weekend that he runs the hottest comedy show in Vegas while putting up open mic talent to headline.

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NLO 1401: Boobies & The Blowfish

October 5, 2021

Patrick wants you to subscribe and follow his standup YouTube channel for a project he will be doing all October long, writing new bits and uploading successes and failures along the way. Patrick talks about some recent outings, which leads to a discussion of Eddie Ifft, Chad Zumock, and Graham Elwood. Patrick recounts his experience with Graham Elwood years ago, and we watch the awful music video he made. Josh Denny has been making the rounds as a new right-wing nut, and he’s against abortions now. We find an old show where Josh talks about convincing a maid he knocked up to kill that baby, and check out his newest show, Next Week Tonight. There’s also some rumors going around about the recent fentanyl oopsie involving the death of three comics. …

NLO 1399: Mackie Claps Back!

September 15, 2021

In what can only be deemed a "check-in with some creeps," Patrick settles in for a long hard night of deep diving in to dementia. Josh Denny has been off our radar for awhile, but apparently he's turned in to a real right-wing kook and is trying to get new fans by trolling Food Network. Again. Artemio Rios aka Trouble in Vegas is still not paying people, according to some DM's that recently splashed up on Patrick's leg while taking a hot brown. Diaz Mackie makes a video that he probably shouldn't be making, firmly denying the allegations against him, but not really making any coherent points. He claims to have emails that will be detrimental to his accuser, and he wants desperately tp talks a polygraph test on a podcast.

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NLO 1400: Hilton, Horns & Honey Boy

September 15, 2021

Patrick is back after struggling to get the studio PC up and running for four days. He is in a surly mood after having his beard lopped off with no warning. Things didn’t get much better with his accommodation in NYC, where the hotel had leaks, no television or housekeeping service, and so many. ore gruesome issues. He is now banned from that Hilton property after yelling at one of the concierge trolls. There’s blood all over the house, but it’s dog blood. Don’t worry, it’s the good kind. Patrick made a dry run at smoking a brisket, and can’t stop eating crap. Texas is a hypocritical basket of barbecue. All this and more comedy drama in the Las Vegas scene! …

Aftershow 1398: Salsa Samplin’

September 3, 2021

Patrick is known around the world as one of the fairest men. So when it comes to sampling the salsa of his enemies, it's a controversial endeavor. Thai Rivera and several local comedians desperate to be liked by everyone are partaking of Karla's Homemade Salsa, a condiment whipped up in Butch Bradley's kitchen between improvised flights of whimsy and angry bouts of rage by his girlfriend. The logo may be a pepper fingering it's own asshole, but can the salsa deliver on flavor? Find out as Patrick samples both the red and green (that's roja y verde for you locals) on some store-bought chips. Are the rumors of it being too salty true? Will it make a good vodka cocktail? Who knows? It's salsa. OR IS IT???

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NLO 1398: Eat the Homeless

September 3, 2021

Patrick is back from NYC and he’s seen enough of your world to know he doesn’t want to be in it. Somehow this show dips it’s toes in to the icy waters of politics and doomsday again. with even more yelling and intolerance by grandpa Melton. Patrick thinks the answer is much simpler than you think – you might just be stupid. Twitter wars are back and more fun than ever! Patrick has some interesting ideas for disposing of homeless people. Vegas comedy thirst traps revealed. Thai Rivera is making even more enemies in the world of comedy. Sexual assault is bubbling up in the Las Vegas comedy scene again, with our friend Kool-Aid taking some heat, as well as comedian Diaz Mackie facing some tough new allegations with wrinkled old receipts. …

NLO Classic: Heavy Dooty (Show 764)

August 27, 2021

CHRIS FAIRBANKS is here and he’s giving us the low-down on whether Ellen seems like a nice person or not, and also offering up theories on how weird porno works. BRIAN KING is also in the studio, and we talk about the Oscars and tweeting, watch the most annoying baby commercial ever, and check in on 90’s sensation Scatman John to see what his career was made of. A fan, Daniel, sits in and brings Patrick a gift. Chris talks about one of his first experiences in L.A., and how he almost died getting involved in others’ business. Patrick has a new plan on how to get everything you have for free. It’s super difficult to find a phone number for Jim Carrey, we look back on Dennis the Menace to see what was so funny about the past, and Patrick tries to get people to use a catch phrase that he can’t exactly remember. …

Aftershow 1397: Trouble in Vegas, Thai Rivera’s Pilot Script!

August 18, 2021

There's so much drama in the Las Vegas comedy community, sometimes it's hard to know whether to just ignore it, or to dive in and cover it all. But you have to talk about something, and they say write what you know. Whatever that means. Artemio Rios aka Trouble in Vegas aka I Am Las Vegas is causing some dissent in the scene by questionable behavior when it comes to the ladies, as well as paying comedians. We talk about a comic named William Strange and touch on his hypocrisy involving the Butch Bradley incident. Will this spell the end for the Splash pool party and comedy show at The Artisan, or give birth to an entirely new brand of creepy trying-oh-so-hard-to-be-hip-and-sexy shows? The main course of the evening is a pilot script dropped in Patrick's lap by an old acquaintance of Thai's.

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NLO 1397: For The Greater Good

August 18, 2021

Patrick can’t seem to get it together. He’s got things to rant about. He has opinions on things from an old friend’s newest podcast to some racist job ads he saw recently. He wants to brag about things like learning how to make onion rings from Bobby Flay and getting his swim spa early. Everything devolves quickly into an argument about personal freedoms and vaccine mandates by government and businesses. And of course, the DRAMA. The Las Vegas comedy scene is bananas right now. We have a flamboyant delusional never-was who thinks he just filmed a “special”, a cleaned-up club promoter named “Trouble” who’s trying to fight everyone for some reason, another comedian who got hit in the face this weekend, exclusive access to a pilot Thai Rivera tried to write a few years back, and so much more! …

Aftershow 1396: Thai Rivera Tries and Lies

August 8, 2021

Patrick dives in to the latest microagression on his ears that is Unbothered. Thai Rivera hastily recounts the events of last weekend where he was allegedly assaulted by another member of the comedy community. But is everything as it seems? Is Thai really the victim he wants you to think he is? He is claiming that the attack was racially motivated, but also that it stems from hurt feelings over a Facebook blocking. It's sad to watch a man try to play tough but also work every possible angle in the world to be seen as a victim. The delusion reaches new heights, and of course he wanders down a million paths in his memory, reliving countless past altercations and times he has had major fall outs with friends. It's almost like there is a pattern, but someone is too dumb to see it.

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NLO 1396: Pellet Girl

August 6, 2021

Patrick wants to have a late night chat with you, the fans. It’s time to get away from all the hustle and bustle of the comedy drama and focus on the things that matter in life – dad living. Patrick talks about his recent acquisition of a pellet grill, to the dismay of “real bbq guys” everywhere. Patrick doesn’t care what you’re Busch Light-drinking-ass thinks or how if you “ain’t using wood, you ain’t cookin’ good.” Rhymes are for idiots and snake bite victims. Patrick talks about an ad for a music video that doesn’t make sense at all. We take a call from Mike Boudet from the Sword and Scale podcast to discuss whatever the issue with Ian Bagg is. We learn that women complain the most, Adam Corolla is getting a secret divorce, and so much more! …

NLO 1395: Unwell, Unwell, Unwell

August 4, 2021

s Vegas is heating up, and the smoking embers of bridges here in the comedy scene can be observed from miles around. Nobodies are starting new drama, bored weirdos are making big accusations, and the rat king himself, Cry-Me-A-Rivera (aka Thai Rivera, aka Balentin De Anda, aka Candy-Ass Daddy, aka ET Torso, aka Mumblestiltskin), is beginning to find himself VERY unwelcome at more and more places in a city that is ever growing wary of his shirtless photos and awkward toothy grin, coupled with the not-quite-right eyes of a poorly-constructed children’s doll. Rumors, inside Information, and scandals afoot! We hear rumors of his next move, plans of a comedy special, and more! Find out who ASSAULTED the best LGBTQ+ comedian in the WORLD! …

NLO 1394: Gossip Brunch

July 20, 2021

Patrick sits down on a Sunday to have a little hang with you, the loyal listener. Patrick gabs with the chat a bit, as there’s quite a bit going on that’s grinding his gears. Patrick is sipping on Starbucks coffee, which he had delivered. He’s aware that this is the epitome of white girl privilege, but that’s how he rolls. Brad is sick, and has cost a fortune in emergency vet bills. Her digestion isn’t running smoothly, and Patrick is worried about his white tiles and grout standing up to doggie brownie batter. Patrick is thinking about possibly attacking his swim spa salesman, who has misled and pressured him with sleazy sales tactics and is now saying it will be 9 more months before Patrick will be swimming. And of course, there’s more Thai Rivera updates than you could possibly want. We are tired of this little garbage fire, too. …

NLO 1393: Fat Pat NLO Sucks

July 14, 2021

Alex Ansel joins Patrick in the studio to talk about everything from gaming to feuds in the Las Vegas comedy community. The show starts out with a real downer note. Patrick wants to be transparent with the feedback he receives about the show, and in that spirit he reads a very mean-spirited email he received recently. It’s a real wakeup call for the host. Alex brought his Playstation 5 over to enjoy some gaming activities on Patrick’s new massive TV. Patrick still doesn’t understand gaming, but he likes to watch and study people who do. Patrick sings songs to his dog in baby talk to the tune of the theme song from The Little Prince. We get in to the recent drama regarding Thai Rivera attempting to copyright strike our YouTube channel and explain why he doesn’t have a prayer in court. …

Watching the Throne – Part 3 of 3

July 14, 2021

In this third installment of Watching the Throne, the complete Thai Rivera residency controversy gets even more spin, with Thai declaring the entire weekend a success on his social media and podcast. We listen as this toy boy spins yarns about how happy the venue was with the turnout, how well the shows went, and how impressed the audience was. Unfortunately for Thai, the audio and video evidence seems to contradict his rose-colored view of the entire residency, as well as his talent. We also get a response from comedian Ralph Tutela, who was intended to be Thai's partner for the residency, but sobered up before the debut and backed out. Not even newer comics on the Vegas scene want to be a part of the implosion of a gay madman and his career

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Watching the Throne (Part 2 of 3)

July 14, 2021

A comedic review of the latest KING of comedy in Las Vegas. This one is a great tale from the C, and so many people helped provide insight in to the story being woven for your absolute amusement and horror. In Part 2, we listen in to another show featuring comedians Thai Rivera, Angie Krum and Dante Verduzco. It's worse than the first, if that is at all possible, and the grift is real when it comes to Thai collecting money under the guise of this being a Vegas strip-worthy show. Strap in for another long episode with more unbelievable moments throughout, including Thai asking his feature act to leave in the middle of the show. This show was originally live streamed on June 17, 2021. Thai Rivera has since attempted to strike Nobody Likes Onions’ YouTube channel with a copyright takedown notice.

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